CRAPPY JOB!
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He’ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
LOVE MY PETS!
My gold fish gets so happy when I take him out of the tank, he starts jumping.
YEP, THAT”S HOW IT HAPPENED.
Interviewer: “We want to hire responsible people.” Me:”Great! When things go wrong people always say say I’m “responsible”.
WORK SMART.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
POOR THINGS….
Muffins are just ugly cupcakes!
WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
If your house doesn’t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
DR’s ORDERS!
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house. It was delicious.
NOT A GOOD IDEA.
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently security doesn’t appreciate it when you call “shotgun” before boarding a plane.
TIME TO CLEAN UNDER THE TRUCK SEATS.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
HERB WHO?
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.