My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He’ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
My gold fish gets so happy when I take him out of the tank, he starts jumping.
Interviewer: “We want to hire responsible people.” Me:”Great! When things go wrong people always say say I’m “responsible”.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
Muffins are just ugly cupcakes!
If your house doesn’t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house. It was delicious.
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently security doesn’t appreciate it when you call “shotgun” before boarding a plane.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.